Lately I have felt uneasy. It all started when my mom was struggling with her health. Living in fear of the unknown and seeing her in such a vulnerable state has brought out feelings that I still haven't completely comprehended. She is the strongest woman I know. I receive my strength from her. Our relationship as mother and daughter feeds my soul and is the foundation to who I am as a woman. I am strong in ways that she taught me to be… even if she is not. My foundation is sick and I have felt like I am floating around instead of that cozy grounded feeling that I usually receive from our relationship. Floating around with an uneasiness that I can’t quite kick and a bit saddened that my bubble has burst. Our relationship has evolved into what it is today over the past 8 years. I cannot imagine a day without her. She is my best friend. I can’t imagine the struggle that she is going through because she is one of the most active people I know (yoga, swimming, being a mom to a 9-year-old). This bump in our road has taught us to let go and accept the vulnerability life is throwing us… because we might learn a thing or two.
Next brings a new job and starting graduate school in August. These are necessary things that are going to bring hardship but more importantly joy to my life. Necessary but scary all in the same thought process. SO many people want to project their feelings on me regarding me going back to school, working, and being a mom. I never wanted to halt my growing family because I wanted to further my education… I didn’t want to wait… that’s MY decision. Is it going to be hard? YES…. Is it going to cause stressful times… sure. Can I do it… YES! Unless you want to tell me how awesome I am for doing all of this and encourage me… please keep the negativity away. We now live in a time where being in your mid-twenties and having a baby is somewhat frowned upon. I hear the comments from all angles- saying they can’t imagine having a baby right now, don’t want a baby/marriage right now, have so many things they want to do, places they want to go. I understand their stance and why it is ok. It stings sometimes and I am ashamed to admit that It occasionally makes me question my life and decisions. But it is usually just a split second of questioning. I love my family, marriage, and son. I understand majority of those my age may see those things as constricting anchors… but not me. The roots of my life did not happen to me… I chose them… and thank god for that.
Lastly… My husband you guys… holy crap. I love him and it is fun discovering that I could love him in different depths and degrees. In the past we have hurt each other badly but at the end of the day it makes us who we are (and I love us) … I wouldn’t change a single experience. I feel so protective over him... I see him taking chances and putting himself out there and I'm so proud and excited for him. The father he is turning into makes my eyes tear up... it's something special to witness. I live happily because I always look to see the best in people… always. Never mistake my happy but guarded self as weak. I find the beauty in every moment even the horrible ones (like my dog breaking his leg and continuing to escape the fence even with a cast- beautiful right?). There are lessons to look for in every situation as long as you are open to it. There is beauty in realizing that you don’t like a particular thing or person. This season of change will pass… but the uncomfortable, unsettling, unnerving in-between, is where the biggest lessons stem from. I’m working hard to be mindful and open- all the while grounded and stable for my little love… my reason for it all.
“everything you need, your courage, strength, compassion and love; everything you need is already within you” 🙏
