Cope's Birth Story PART TWO

We arrived to the hospital and checked into our room. My mom brought us PASTA FRESCA my go to meal of pregnancy.  The nurse started an IV and then put the cervidil on my cervix. Cervidil is a hormone that can help dilate the cervix. It was hell on earth. Apparently, some women have no problem with this drug. But for some (ME) it can cause cramping and pain. It was absolutely miserable. The entire night I cried, prayed, and practiced deep breathing with every cramp. My dear husband was getting the best sleep of his life on the couch. WHAT I WOULD HAVE given TO TRADE PLACES WITH HIM. Every time they had to check my cervix was absolutely gut wrenching because of how sensitive and bothered it had become from the medicine. Finally, morning came and I dialted to a whopping ONE centimeter (QUE the even more dramatics, soul crushing). The next shift of nurses and doctors came through and the doctor on call for my practice luckily will insert a foley which is a tube with balloon on the end that you can inflate with saline to manually open the cervix. This procedure was the worse thing I HAVE ever felt in my life, after dealing with the cervidil pain. I was hysterically crying (and screaming to any god up above to help me and wondering why the hell I was such a wimp) and luckily my nurse was the bomb.com and was in the business of getting shit done because she got my epidural process started and within an hour I was resting peacefully (QUE the end of the dramatics and my last hours of uncertainty of what this little boy would do to my life)

Side note- a long time ago I would of been so against all the medicine and epidural talk but when you are actually in that moment things are happening quickly and you'll do just about anything to keep your babe safe and apparently I was not mentally ready to be induced (that shit is for the birds).

Eventually a pitocin drip was started and around 6PM that day I was finally ready. My immediate family was in the room talking and hanging out. I remember looking at my mom like get them all the F out of here NOW. All it took was a look and she knew what to do. I started feeling super out of it in an out of body type of feeling. I got nauseated and the nurse gave me medication for that. She said that is a sign of being ready to push. Everyone left the room but Marc and my mom and she checked to see if I was dilated and YAY I FINALLY WAS.


It took around an hour of pushing for Cope to be born. I never felt stronger in my life. The nurse took the sheet and turned it into a rope. I pulled on one end and she pulled on the other when it was time for me to push. I have a lot of upper body strength and that really helped, instead of holding onto the side railing. I felt focused.  I had one job and I was kicking ass at it. When I think about it now I feel like I am watching myself because it really did feel like an out of body experience. I am so proud of myself for how amazing I did.

Finally, he was in my arms.

The Magic of Vulnerability

Lately I have felt uneasy. It all started when my mom was struggling with her health. Living in fear of the unknown and seeing her in such a vulnerable state has brought out feelings that I still haven't completely comprehended. She is the strongest woman I know. I receive my strength from her. Our relationship as mother and daughter feeds my soul and is the foundation to who I am as a woman. I am strong in ways that she taught me to be… even if she is not. My foundation is sick and I have felt like I am floating around instead of that cozy grounded feeling that I usually receive from our relationship.  Floating around with an uneasiness that I can’t quite kick and a bit saddened that my bubble has burst. Our relationship has evolved into what it is today over the past 8 years. I cannot imagine a day without her. She is my best friend. I can’t imagine the struggle that she is going through because she is one of the most active people I know (yoga, swimming, being a mom to a 9-year-old). This bump in our road has taught us to let go and accept the vulnerability life is throwing us… because we might learn a thing or two.

Next brings a new job and starting graduate school in August. These are necessary things that are going to bring hardship but more importantly joy to my life.  Necessary but scary all in the same thought process. SO many people want to project their feelings on me regarding me going back to school, working, and being a mom. I never wanted to halt my growing family because I wanted to further my education… I didn’t want to wait… that’s MY decision. Is it going to be hard? YES…. Is it going to cause stressful times… sure. Can I do it… YES! Unless you want to tell me how awesome I am for doing all of this and encourage me… please keep the negativity away. We now live in a time where being in your mid-twenties and having a baby is somewhat frowned upon. I hear the comments from all angles- saying they can’t imagine having a baby right now, don’t want a baby/marriage right now, have so many things they want to do, places they want to go. I understand their stance and why it is ok.   It stings sometimes and I am ashamed to admit that It occasionally makes me question my life and decisions. But it is usually just a split second of questioning. I love my family, marriage, and son. I understand majority of those my age may see those things as constricting anchors… but not me. The roots of my life did not happen to me… I chose them… and thank god for that.

Lastly… My husband you guys… holy crap. I love him and it is fun discovering that I could love him in different depths and degrees. In the past we have hurt each other badly but at the end of the day it makes us who we are (and I love us) … I wouldn’t change a single experience. I feel so protective over him... I see him taking chances and putting himself out there and I'm so proud and  excited for him. The father he is turning into makes my eyes tear up... it's something special to witness.  I live happily because I always look to see the best in people… always. Never mistake my happy but guarded self as weak.  I find the beauty in every moment even the horrible ones (like my dog breaking his leg and continuing to escape the fence even with a cast- beautiful right?). There are lessons to look for in every situation as long as you are open to it. There is beauty in realizing that you don’t like a particular thing or person. This season of change will pass… but the uncomfortable, unsettling, unnerving in-between, is where the biggest lessons stem from. I’m working hard to be mindful and open- all the while grounded and stable for my little love… my reason for it all. 

 

“everything you need, your courage, strength, compassion and love; everything you need is already within you” 🙏

 

Cope's Birth Story Part 1

 September 11th I woke up with a weird feeling. I wanted to get everything done and I wanted to go to the movies with my husband. I wanted to install the carseat even though I had almost 3 weeks until his expected due date, I didn't care if that seemed silly. Marc wanted to do house things and I lugged the carseat outside. I had an absolute meltdown in my car because there were no metal latches in the middle back seat (WTF FORD). Anyways I also had all of these emotional expectations of going on a date but really we ran out of the house at the time the movie started (luckily we made it with previews to spare, I have this psycho trait that I literally cannot be late for a movie it irks me to my core) and snuck Wendy's in for dinner. 

September 12th I woke up early and headed to the appointment by myself because there really was nothing that Marc needed to attend for and should have been an in and out appointment (plus Crossfit just opened 12 days ago)... I had felt very swollen the past week. My toes were so swollen, ankles huge, and it literally pained me for my feet to touch the ground.
This doctor's appointment I waited longer than I had waited any other appointment over the past 8 months. Seriously, I sat in the little waiting area for over 2 hours chatting it up with other pregnant moms... one who was scheduled to be induced the next day (I was freaking out for her). I was 37 weeks and 4 days pregnant. It had been 2 weeks since I had been to the doctor and the previous appointment my blood pressure was elevated. I chalked that up to a lot of stress going on in my life and didn't worry about it again. My blood pressure is finally taken at this appointment and it is really elevated this time. Pre-Eclampsia elevated along with all of my swelling. I am in the room and the doctor sits down and says well lets have a baby. I am pretty sure I started shaking and on the inside so much fucks were being said. I didn't have my bags packed I was suppose to get my HAIR, EYEBROWS, LASHES DONE THIS WEEK in preparation for actually HAVING THIS BABY. I am a planner and this was not how I saw that day going. I played it so cool but on the inside was actually freaking out. She asked me if I wanted to be directly admitted now or come in later. I laughed in her face and almost though she was joking but then I realized she wasn't and I obviously said later. I began to send out texts and make calls.
I called Marc crying as I left the office... I could hear the freaking out in his voice but trying to play it cool for me attitude and telling me everything would be ok. I call my mom and dad. I call Gourmet Shop for my last meal (TOMATO BISQUE DUH)... then I call my eyebrow girl because shit I am about to have a baby and I want something on me to look pretty lol... thank god I had gotten a pedicure a few days before (I sound so vain but when you are carrying around almost 40 extra lbs this shit really matters for your pregnant self esteem). I didn't tell Marc that I was getting my eyebrows done because he would have thought I was insane so Gourmet Shop was really taking a long time to make our lunch lol. My mom offered to come help pack our hospital bag (thank god because I was not thinking straight at all). I finally got home around almost 2 and was to expect a call from the hospital as to when we should head in. I got showered and ready. It was such a weird feeling... weird because I wasn't in labor, I had not mentally prepared myself for what was about to happen and that the next time we would be coming home we would have a BABY with us.
I finally ended up calling the doctor's office and was apparently just suppose to show up at the hospital when we were ready that day. We loaded everything up... brought the car seat (HA! THAT I INSTALLED IT JUST THE DAY BEFORE).

The last picture taken right before we left for the hospital

To be continued......

Mom Guilt. . .

It's 9 PM on a Wednesday night and I just got Cope settled to sleep. I've poured a glass of wine and decided I was ready to broach this subject. Mom guilt.

I'll start off by explaining that I am a registered nurse who spent pre Cope- 9 months being pregnant and working night shift 7 PM to 7 AM. I was positive that I needed a dayshift job to be a functional mother since being pregnant and working nights was a whole other subject that I don't want to go into now (sorry to all my NSICU peeps who got to experience me this way).  In a Madison type fashion when my mind is made up I go for it and a few weeks after having Cope I started looking for day-shift jobs because my current job did not have an opening quite yet. I found the most perfect schedule and applied, received notice of an interview, and got the job. Yay right? I also found an amazing person to watch Cope and life was over the top because of course I had it all figured out after about 4 weeks of having Cope. In theory, I had 8 weeks to enjoy being a new mother to my perfect baby.

NEWS FLASH TO ME... I do not know anything.

Once I got the new job I couldn't stop thinking about how fast time was passing and I could not even speak about the new job or leaving Cope to work without uncontrollable tears creeping up on me. I hated how horrible it felt to just want to be with my baby and know that I couldn't. Was this normal? Was I depressed? I kept making the comment to people that I was going to need to be put on medication to be able to go back to work... they would laugh but deep down I was serious. Was the way I was feeling NORMAL?
 I felt embarrassed to talk to Marc about how I felt because I didn't want him to think that I was lazy and didn't want to work.... how F*cked up is that? Society has it in my brain that I am lazy because I just want to be a mom for a little longer than 12 weeks and not loose my job.  Out of the world's 196 countries, the US is one of only four that has no federally mandated policy to give new parents paid time off.  Finland grants expecting mothers to start their maternity leave seven weeks before their estimated due date. After that the government covers 16 additional weeks of paid leave through a maternity grant, regardless of whether the mother is a student, unemployed, or self employed. The country also offers eight weeks of paid paternity leave (time to move to Finland babe). Denmark moms get a total of 18 weeks of maternity leave at full pay. Sweden parents are entitled to 480 days of leave at 80% of their normal pay, thats on top of 18 weeks reserved just for mothers. Sweden also offers dads 90 paid paternity days to promote bonding bet Mothers in Serbia can take 20 weeks of fully paid leave after giving birth. After that, they get an additional full year of leave, but compensation diminishes over time. They receive 100% pay for the first 26 weeks, 60% for weeks 27-39, and 30% for weeks 40-52. Norway's system is flexible and generous. Mothers can take 35 weeks at full pay or 45 weeks at 80% pay, and fathers can take between zero and 10 weeks depending on their wives' income. These are just a few of the countries that prioritize the wellbeing of new parents. 

I've never envied a stay at home mom more in my life. I started to google how I felt... yes google. I needed to know that there were other moms out there that felt exactly like I did. My mom kept reminding me that Cope would never remember me being away at work but that didn't help how I felt. I wish there was a way for the lawmakers to have leaking BOOBS for a day while trying to do their jobs. I found a few articles that asked different moms how they felt about going back to work and each felt almost the same as me.. a few were excited to be a "normal human again and have grown up conversations" ... that was a foreign concept to me... how could you ever be your old normal self again with a new alive baby who smiles at you and changes your world? . Reading other women's feelings online reassured me that all of the feelings that I have are normal.... one article said that basically there is nothing that is going to make going back to work better, that it is going to suck and suck for a while but that you deal with it. As someone who is a fixer that was the worst answer I could possibly imagine.

I have this perfect and innocent baby who relies on me for his every need and  I am expected to be a functional working human mom after 12 weeks. Then after 12 weeks someone else gets to provide the every need for Cope that I desperately want to do myself... like i've never felt so strongly about something EVER. I need to take care of that baby like I need to breath.  It hurt... (it still hurts as I write this now) I was at my moms one evening and I couldn't even speak because I was at that 3 week mark before going back to work and speaking meant crying. I was trying to stay present with Cope but if I let my mind get the best of me it would take me to the darkest place, a place where all I did was dwell on time.  As I was sitting at my moms unable to speak I figured out a semi solution. I could not go to the perfect day time schedule 40 hour week job. Simple... I just couldn't go. I didn't care what I had to do but I was going to figure it out and make it work. Luckily, I picked a profession that  I could work a night shift part time position and be financially the same because I wouldn't have to pay a babysitter to do the job that I wanted to do (and a husband who has a flexible-ish if needed schedule... and awesome friends).  I began shedding things that I didn't need financially... I am willing to give up things of my past self to be the present mother that I want to be for Cope while he is so young and impressionable ( I even deleted my Starbucks app... shit is DANGEROUS). It still shocks me how much I love being Cope's mom. If someone were to have tried to explain to me how I would be as a mother... never in a million years would I have thought that I would love so deeply and have such different priorities. If you are a mom and have any ounce of mom guilt... know that you are not alone and that you are normal and you are loved.... yes your baby won't remember you being gone, and yes it probably will get easier everyday.

Wish me luck, my first night back is a few days away..... ( I can finally say this without crying or anxiety.... yay)

Cope's Nursery

This room had to be "perfect". When other rooms are  under construction in our house I wanted a nursery that would feel calm, peaceful, and happy. I stressed about this room, I think I may have even cried once over how I wanted it to look but wasn't sure about the color scheme or what direction I wanted to go. Cope's room was demo'ed when we first moved in.. all but the popcorn ceiling. We thought that it would definitely make a great nursery when the time came... and we left that room alone for over a year and then the time came.

The Inspiration I used to finally help me figure out what I wanted in the nursery... I am super visual

Before

During

This room had layers of wall paper and the popcorn ceiling....rough... and we know how I feel about ceiling fans... SO thankful for a husband who could make my vision and dreams come true. Cope's room is the best in the house thanks to his hard work.

The floors post sanding- love

My sweet family came to visit for a weekend and we painted his room in just a few hours- such a relief

After

These photos were from Cope's newborn shots taken by Christine Benz who also did our maternity pictures. 

Iphone Shots

The tanker credenza was in such bad shape... rusted... Marc was able to restore it back to life and match the paint for the rust spots... hello perfect changing table.

Tassel Curtains

Rocking Chair- Thrift

Tanker Credenza- Thrift

Ashlina Printed Persian Overdyed Vintage Rug

Letter Board

Crib

Cope Letters-Hobby Lobby