One day I am going to look back on this challenging time in my life and be thankful that I had the confidence and support to make this happen. I cannot stress how important it is to have a support system. I don't believe I could do this without my husband, my parents, my best friends, and co-workers.
Background
My first year of Motherhood wrapped me up like a cocoon. It spun around me at a time of extreme vulnerability. It provided a sense of safety, of need, and the most intense love I’ve ever felt. Those feelings inside the cocoon only lasted so long and over time change occurred. The pieces of my self, pre motherhood, were disappearing. I desperately wanted to let them go, to succumb. But the most prominent attributes of my being were here to stay, defying the commonalities that mothers can’t "have" it all.
Let’s be honest, those who know my soul- way more than I give credit for, they know that my middle name is “if she wants it-she makes it happen... in one day” and I will probably insist this be written on my gravestone. It is an important fact about myself. People need to know this. I rarely fear in the decisions that I make and I rarely second guess. I know these things about myself and instead of downplaying my abilities (as I have before because maybe it isn't always as understood or can be taken the wrong way) I'm letting them be the forefront of "me".
I sat in orientation for the Nurse Practitioner program last summer, intimidated as f*ck because I had spent the last year in mommy land... the land of leaky boobs, diaper changes, and hours of holding my precious baby. I was surely the only one using lunch-time to pump in the bathroom. I kept thinking "this is really weird... where does my new self fit into this world now?" Needless to say I started the day in orientation signed up for the part-time program and ended the day signed up for full-time. I heard stories from others who had less going on than me enrolled in full-time and I was jealous. I wanted to be able to do this, then I thought... why can't I?
Full Time Graduate Student
Even my mother questioned me... how was I going to do this? I could see the worry in her eyes. How was I going to work, be in school full time, take care of a 1 year old, be there for my other half (who runs his own business= time consuming), be a person who needs downtime, and succeed? I let that linger between us, all while thinking .... don’t you know strong mothers bear stronger daughters and I’ve learned to succeed by watching people like my mother work hard and have to make sacrifices (time with me, but I learned to be independent)- and those qualities I received from you (mom) and all those near to me never questioning any of my moves but trusting my decisions. I gently reminded her of those good ole days of her getting her masters and me in afternoon kindergarten. How did she do that? She gave me so many life experiences at a young age and she was in the same position I am today. Those experiences are embedded in me. I’m sure some memories she may see a little differently but I’m proud of her and the risks that she took. I’ve seen her vulnerable, I’ve seen the airport meltdowns, I’ve been there on the hard days. I have the most supportive family. Hands down could not do this without them. My dad and step-mom constantly cheering me on. A husband who never doubts my abilities, almost annoyingly so (can a girl have a melt down every once in a while, and maybe feel a little sorry for herself- nope says husband).
Current
I have 4 weeks left of my third semester and 2 weeks ago I was dying slowly, overwhelmed by the amount of work I needed to do in school. I cried, I bitched, I procrastinated, I bitched some more, and I eventually met deadlines.. like I always have and always will continue to do (I almost annoy myself... kudos to all who get my annoying bitching snapchats or text messages- thanks).
Future
I can only hope that one day Copelin will see that spark in my eye and recognize what it means. This is a time in our life that he won't remember but I will tell him about because it is an important part of who we are becoming. All his dad and I want is for him to feel truly loved and grow up gaining experiences that will shape him into a wonderful man one day. A man who has goals, dreams, values, and knows he can achieve them without a doubt. How lucky he is to have parents both striving to be better and working to achieve goals we are passionate about.
To all the moms out there wondering if they can make it work... you can... trust me. :)
