I'll start off by explaining that I am a registered nurse who spent pre Cope- 9 months being pregnant and working night shift 7 PM to 7 AM. I was positive that I needed a dayshift job to be a functional mother since being pregnant and working nights was a whole other subject that I don't want to go into now (sorry to all my NSICU peeps who got to experience me this way). In a Madison type fashion when my mind is made up I go for it and a few weeks after having Cope I started looking for day-shift jobs because my current job did not have an opening quite yet. I found the most perfect schedule and applied, received notice of an interview, and got the job. Yay right? I also found an amazing person to watch Cope and life was over the top because of course I had it all figured out after about 4 weeks of having Cope. In theory, I had 8 weeks to enjoy being a new mother to my perfect baby.
NEWS FLASH TO ME... I do not know anything.
Once I got the new job I couldn't stop thinking about how fast time was passing and I could not even speak about the new job or leaving Cope to work without uncontrollable tears creeping up on me. I hated how horrible it felt to just want to be with my baby and know that I couldn't. Was this normal? Was I depressed? I kept making the comment to people that I was going to need to be put on medication to be able to go back to work... they would laugh but deep down I was serious. Was the way I was feeling NORMAL?
I felt embarrassed to talk to Marc about how I felt because I didn't want him to think that I was lazy and didn't want to work.... how F*cked up is that? Society has it in my brain that I am lazy because I just want to be a mom for a little longer than 12 weeks and not loose my job. Out of the world's 196 countries, the US is one of only four that has no federally mandated policy to give new parents paid time off. Finland grants expecting mothers to start their maternity leave seven weeks before their estimated due date. After that the government covers 16 additional weeks of paid leave through a maternity grant, regardless of whether the mother is a student, unemployed, or self employed. The country also offers eight weeks of paid paternity leave (time to move to Finland babe). Denmark moms get a total of 18 weeks of maternity leave at full pay. Sweden parents are entitled to 480 days of leave at 80% of their normal pay, thats on top of 18 weeks reserved just for mothers. Sweden also offers dads 90 paid paternity days to promote bonding bet Mothers in Serbia can take 20 weeks of fully paid leave after giving birth. After that, they get an additional full year of leave, but compensation diminishes over time. They receive 100% pay for the first 26 weeks, 60% for weeks 27-39, and 30% for weeks 40-52. Norway's system is flexible and generous. Mothers can take 35 weeks at full pay or 45 weeks at 80% pay, and fathers can take between zero and 10 weeks depending on their wives' income. These are just a few of the countries that prioritize the wellbeing of new parents.
I have this perfect and innocent baby who relies on me for his every need and I am expected to be a functional working human mom after 12 weeks. Then after 12 weeks someone else gets to provide the every need for Cope that I desperately want to do myself... like i've never felt so strongly about something EVER. I need to take care of that baby like I need to breath. It hurt... (it still hurts as I write this now) I was at my moms one evening and I couldn't even speak because I was at that 3 week mark before going back to work and speaking meant crying. I was trying to stay present with Cope but if I let my mind get the best of me it would take me to the darkest place, a place where all I did was dwell on time. As I was sitting at my moms unable to speak I figured out a semi solution. I could not go to the perfect day time schedule 40 hour week job. Simple... I just couldn't go. I didn't care what I had to do but I was going to figure it out and make it work. Luckily, I picked a profession that I could work a night shift part time position and be financially the same because I wouldn't have to pay a babysitter to do the job that I wanted to do (and a husband who has a flexible-ish if needed schedule... and awesome friends). I began shedding things that I didn't need financially... I am willing to give up things of my past self to be the present mother that I want to be for Cope while he is so young and impressionable ( I even deleted my Starbucks app... shit is DANGEROUS). It still shocks me how much I love being Cope's mom. If someone were to have tried to explain to me how I would be as a mother... never in a million years would I have thought that I would love so deeply and have such different priorities. If you are a mom and have any ounce of mom guilt... know that you are not alone and that you are normal and you are loved.... yes your baby won't remember you being gone, and yes it probably will get easier everyday.
Wish me luck, my first night back is a few days away..... ( I can finally say this without crying or anxiety.... yay)
