Mom Guilt. . .

It's 9 PM on a Wednesday night and I just got Cope settled to sleep. I've poured a glass of wine and decided I was ready to broach this subject. Mom guilt.

I'll start off by explaining that I am a registered nurse who spent pre Cope- 9 months being pregnant and working night shift 7 PM to 7 AM. I was positive that I needed a dayshift job to be a functional mother since being pregnant and working nights was a whole other subject that I don't want to go into now (sorry to all my NSICU peeps who got to experience me this way).  In a Madison type fashion when my mind is made up I go for it and a few weeks after having Cope I started looking for day-shift jobs because my current job did not have an opening quite yet. I found the most perfect schedule and applied, received notice of an interview, and got the job. Yay right? I also found an amazing person to watch Cope and life was over the top because of course I had it all figured out after about 4 weeks of having Cope. In theory, I had 8 weeks to enjoy being a new mother to my perfect baby.

NEWS FLASH TO ME... I do not know anything.

Once I got the new job I couldn't stop thinking about how fast time was passing and I could not even speak about the new job or leaving Cope to work without uncontrollable tears creeping up on me. I hated how horrible it felt to just want to be with my baby and know that I couldn't. Was this normal? Was I depressed? I kept making the comment to people that I was going to need to be put on medication to be able to go back to work... they would laugh but deep down I was serious. Was the way I was feeling NORMAL?
 I felt embarrassed to talk to Marc about how I felt because I didn't want him to think that I was lazy and didn't want to work.... how F*cked up is that? Society has it in my brain that I am lazy because I just want to be a mom for a little longer than 12 weeks and not loose my job.  Out of the world's 196 countries, the US is one of only four that has no federally mandated policy to give new parents paid time off.  Finland grants expecting mothers to start their maternity leave seven weeks before their estimated due date. After that the government covers 16 additional weeks of paid leave through a maternity grant, regardless of whether the mother is a student, unemployed, or self employed. The country also offers eight weeks of paid paternity leave (time to move to Finland babe). Denmark moms get a total of 18 weeks of maternity leave at full pay. Sweden parents are entitled to 480 days of leave at 80% of their normal pay, thats on top of 18 weeks reserved just for mothers. Sweden also offers dads 90 paid paternity days to promote bonding bet Mothers in Serbia can take 20 weeks of fully paid leave after giving birth. After that, they get an additional full year of leave, but compensation diminishes over time. They receive 100% pay for the first 26 weeks, 60% for weeks 27-39, and 30% for weeks 40-52. Norway's system is flexible and generous. Mothers can take 35 weeks at full pay or 45 weeks at 80% pay, and fathers can take between zero and 10 weeks depending on their wives' income. These are just a few of the countries that prioritize the wellbeing of new parents. 

I've never envied a stay at home mom more in my life. I started to google how I felt... yes google. I needed to know that there were other moms out there that felt exactly like I did. My mom kept reminding me that Cope would never remember me being away at work but that didn't help how I felt. I wish there was a way for the lawmakers to have leaking BOOBS for a day while trying to do their jobs. I found a few articles that asked different moms how they felt about going back to work and each felt almost the same as me.. a few were excited to be a "normal human again and have grown up conversations" ... that was a foreign concept to me... how could you ever be your old normal self again with a new alive baby who smiles at you and changes your world? . Reading other women's feelings online reassured me that all of the feelings that I have are normal.... one article said that basically there is nothing that is going to make going back to work better, that it is going to suck and suck for a while but that you deal with it. As someone who is a fixer that was the worst answer I could possibly imagine.

I have this perfect and innocent baby who relies on me for his every need and  I am expected to be a functional working human mom after 12 weeks. Then after 12 weeks someone else gets to provide the every need for Cope that I desperately want to do myself... like i've never felt so strongly about something EVER. I need to take care of that baby like I need to breath.  It hurt... (it still hurts as I write this now) I was at my moms one evening and I couldn't even speak because I was at that 3 week mark before going back to work and speaking meant crying. I was trying to stay present with Cope but if I let my mind get the best of me it would take me to the darkest place, a place where all I did was dwell on time.  As I was sitting at my moms unable to speak I figured out a semi solution. I could not go to the perfect day time schedule 40 hour week job. Simple... I just couldn't go. I didn't care what I had to do but I was going to figure it out and make it work. Luckily, I picked a profession that  I could work a night shift part time position and be financially the same because I wouldn't have to pay a babysitter to do the job that I wanted to do (and a husband who has a flexible-ish if needed schedule... and awesome friends).  I began shedding things that I didn't need financially... I am willing to give up things of my past self to be the present mother that I want to be for Cope while he is so young and impressionable ( I even deleted my Starbucks app... shit is DANGEROUS). It still shocks me how much I love being Cope's mom. If someone were to have tried to explain to me how I would be as a mother... never in a million years would I have thought that I would love so deeply and have such different priorities. If you are a mom and have any ounce of mom guilt... know that you are not alone and that you are normal and you are loved.... yes your baby won't remember you being gone, and yes it probably will get easier everyday.

Wish me luck, my first night back is a few days away..... ( I can finally say this without crying or anxiety.... yay)

Cope's Nursery

This room had to be "perfect". When other rooms are  under construction in our house I wanted a nursery that would feel calm, peaceful, and happy. I stressed about this room, I think I may have even cried once over how I wanted it to look but wasn't sure about the color scheme or what direction I wanted to go. Cope's room was demo'ed when we first moved in.. all but the popcorn ceiling. We thought that it would definitely make a great nursery when the time came... and we left that room alone for over a year and then the time came.

The Inspiration I used to finally help me figure out what I wanted in the nursery... I am super visual

Before

During

This room had layers of wall paper and the popcorn ceiling....rough... and we know how I feel about ceiling fans... SO thankful for a husband who could make my vision and dreams come true. Cope's room is the best in the house thanks to his hard work.

The floors post sanding- love

My sweet family came to visit for a weekend and we painted his room in just a few hours- such a relief

After

These photos were from Cope's newborn shots taken by Christine Benz who also did our maternity pictures. 

Iphone Shots

The tanker credenza was in such bad shape... rusted... Marc was able to restore it back to life and match the paint for the rust spots... hello perfect changing table.

Tassel Curtains

Rocking Chair- Thrift

Tanker Credenza- Thrift

Ashlina Printed Persian Overdyed Vintage Rug

Letter Board

Crib

Cope Letters-Hobby Lobby

Life lately with a baby | 7 Weeks

I'm currently sitting in the rocking chair in the nursery unable to move even though Cope is finally napping. I have so many thoughts about this new life of mine and I need a way to get them out. I don't have many close friends with new babies (besides you shar) that I could endlessly talk baby to without feeling bad. Here we go....

1. Who knew I would love being a mom more than anything I've ever done before? Why didn't someone warn me that this would be my greatest accomplishment and that nothing could compare to the feeling of protectiveness and love I have for my Cope? So many times throughout the day I loose my train of thought due to the overwhelming feeling of happiness and love I have for this baby and my new role as mom

2.  Breastfeeding is hard. Pumping is hard... both are hands down the hardest most demanding thing I've ever done. Way harder than pregnancy.... no warning about this. My boobs were like rocks on day 4 and when my milk came in I freaked out because my boobs were spraying Cope in the face and I had no idea what to do! I screamed for my mom and she frantically got the pump out of the box and helped me figure it out. THANK GOD FOR MOMS!

3. How many times are people going to ask me if I'm getting any sleep? Cruel.... cruel to remind me of the interrupted sleep that is my new life. You already know I'm not... so don't ask me if I am. Luckily I worked night shift for the past year and I have that to relate to. So far baby tired does not compare to all night working and only getting 3 hours of sleep tired. I remind myself that when I'm up at 2 am with Cope.

4. Hello multitasking! So far I've pumped while simultaneously shaving my legs in the shower.  I've pumped while blow drying my hair and pacifying Cope. Superwoman status! I am holding Cope as I type... add that to the list.

5. Coffee... I used to think I needed coffee working night shift.... pfft. I legit need coffee now and if food doesn't follow the amount of coffee I consume and follow it soon... I'm in so much trouble bring on the next point

6.  The hunger the first week after giving birth was unreal, like tears if I didn't eat within 10 minutes of waking up... breastfeeding I am hungry all the time. I am way more hungry than when I was pregnant.

7. Holy crap this baby.... he smiled at me on purpose for the first time at 7 weeks old. I thought my heart was literally going to burst. When I was pregnant I was slightly terrified of how Cope would shape my day to day... I can't jaunt off to Starbucks in 5 minutes, go to barre at anytime I please, or go to see the latest movie. None of those things mean anything to me now as cliche as it sounds. A few people told me that I would be so ready to go back to work but when they were telling me this I already knew they were so wrong. I had a feeling that Cope would become my person and I selfishly want to be around him every hour of everyday. My goals are still there but this little boy is the center of my universe  now and how I reach those goals will be a little more worth it with more motivation than I could have ever had. I've never been more proud of myself as a mother.